Archive | October, 2016

Where I’m At

21 Oct

I’ve been considering writing this blog post for quite some time (at least 6 months off & on). I’m still not sure if it’s wise or not. However having watched my father need residential care in a Church run facility & his gradual decline into death & followed the various debates around suicide, assisted dying & mental health I’ve decided to commit my thoughts, feelings, rants & considered opinion to record.

I have a history of physical abuse as a child, alcohol & other substance abuse throughout my life & subsequent treatment. I have always had an inquiring mind & a degree of introspection & self-criticism/analysis coupled with a belief in truth & honesty inculcated(brainwashed/punished) into me from a young age. These factors have had a profound effect on my development, my ability (or otherwise) to form healthy (whatever the hell that means given our societal propensity for producing damaged adults) relationships & my ability to have a stable inner personal landscape.

So this blog is intended to be a truthful missive based on where I’m at recently (& possibly now). I don’t intend to edit it, although I will correct spelling mistakes & punctuation.

I’m in my early 60s & live alone. I much prefer to live alone, in my own space. I find it more relaxing & it induces less difficulties presenting a ‘stable’ face to the world. Am I lonely? No. Hardly ever. Certainly l find it less painful to keep my own company than to have to adjust to others on a regular, possibly daily basis ‘in the flesh’.

I cannot say whether I was always prone to mood swings, depression, euphoric episodes & paranoia as a child or adolescent or whether they are a consequence of my drug use. In either case the end result is where I am now. As I age I am fully aware of my changing physical, mental & psychological states. As a functioning & habitual drug user one has to monitor where one’s at on the particular hit in order to figure out when to take the next one. Therefore I KNOW that my physical fitness, suppleness & stamina are deteriorating. I know that my mental faculties are nowhere near as good as they used to be (memory for example), my energy levels & stamina are much less and that this awareness feeds into my insecurities & mood swings to exacerbate depressive episodes. It is an interesting process to experience & I’m not convinced that ‘fighting ‘ it is a wise, productive or efficient use of my time & resources. That said I really am NOT yet ready to lie down & die.

I am at heart a selfish personality although I am/have been loving, supportive & generous with my time & heart in my life. But underneath it all I am who I am & I do what I do & really & truly am answerable only to my maker. I am, as may well be obvious, a product of a Western, Protestant, Christian, UK Public School education, and was, & indeed still am a 60s/70s hippy at heart. I do not believe that the world we live in has been improved since the era of my teens. Indeed the return of racism, the misogyny & blatant disregard for all life appalls me. But I have a spiritual life. I enjoy being alive & take responsibility for my life, my actions & my opinions.

I’m not sure how I came to be (yeah yeah I KNOW the biology). Consciousness fascinates me & my life is MINE. It is a gift given to ME. Therefore it follows (in my logic) that I can end it as I lived it by my choice.

I do not want to end up in a home like so many of my fellow citizens no matter how comfortable it may be. I do not want to be a drain on medical resources. If I have a prayer it is that I die quickly and that the ‘caring’ medical profession does not resuscitate¬† or prolong my life.

I repeat again I am NOT suicidal, nor am I particularly depressed tonight. I just decided to share these thoughts.